Monster Party (There is no party…)

Name: Monster Party

System: NES

Release Date: June 1989

Status: DEFEATED! January 17, 2017

What’s the worst party you’ve ever been to? An aged relative’s birthday who insists on calling you Trevor regardless of your protests? A Smirnoff Ice chug-a-thon in a friend’s unfinished basement? The Republican Party? Well, step aside, because literally the worst party is Monster Party for the NES.

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Look at all these Universal Studio Monster copyright infringements! They can’t wait to start partying! The Creature from the Black Lagoon is about to tell you about all the different types of dip he got on sale at Costco! Dracula is just smirking like a dick, and look! It’s that plant from Little Shop of Horrors! SO RETRO! But don’t be fooled! Let me explain:

The story begins with a boy named Mark walking home late one night after a baseball game, when he looks up and sees a star getting bigger and bigger! This causes him to become moist….

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MOIST

Turns out the star is actually an alien monster named Bert! Bert tells Mark that he needs his help to save his planet from evil monsters! Satisfied that the first person he met is obviously the right choice, Bert flies away with Mark to his planet. This is also known as kidnapping. Mark has put a bit more thought into this however. “I’m afraid to fight the Monsters!” he tells Bert. Bert reassures Mark by saying, “My planet is dangerous, so we must act together!”

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LITERALLY?????

And so your adventure begins right after Bert enters Mark! You control Mark through 8 stages; each stage has a surprising variety of monsters for you to beat to death with your baseball bat.

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Is Ringo on FIRE??

These enemies can drop either health, points, or a pill that turns you into Bert for a limited time, allowing you to fly and shoot lasers which get more powerful as the game goes on! The enemies have a predictable respawn rate so if you find one that drops an item, just leave, come back and grind away!

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Pills are the only way you’ll get Bert to come out and party!

The true highlight of the game are the bosses. There are 3 in each stage (except stage 7 which has one) and you need to defeat them to get a key that unlocks the exit at the end of the level. These are probably some of the most unique boss designs I’ve seen on the NES. The difficulty ranges from a cool Dinosaur…who is dead so you don’t have to fight him…

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To my favourite battle in the game against, The Chameleon!

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6 camouflaged heads float around a camouflaged surface, only one is real, and if you’re not careful it will sneak up and deal serious damage! The only downside is that the majority of the bosses can be fought by standing still and hitting their projectiles back at them, which can make them a little boring.

Though all of these pale in comparison to the FINAL BOSS:

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What in the actual fuck is that???? His only weak spot is when his nose opens up to release eyeballs, because of course it does. I was lucky enough to be in Bert Mode while fighting him, so I beat him easily by hovering near his nose and firing like crazy.

So I won! Huzzah! Now to relax and watch the epilogue! Mark goes home and…what’s this? Bert gave him a present! Beeerrrrt!! You didn’t have to…there’s a Princess inside…not very PC nowadays but human trafficking was legal in 1989, so let’s move on…wait, the Princess is really a monster!?

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She attacks Mark! And…

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What the…

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AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

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WHATINTHEHELL?!?!?! HE’S DEAD!!

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Stop GOD stop he’s dead!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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But…it was a dream!! Suddenly there’s a knock at the door! It’s…Bert???

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“Let’s go again”? Ummmmmmm, I’m good, thanks…

This has to be one of the stranger games that I’ve played on the NES. Some of the enemies are just plain weird! It makes me wish that they put as much time into designing Mark as they did everything else. The Music isn’t anything special; one labyrinth level (which was impossible to navigate without a walkthrough) I had to play with the sound off.

Another great feature is the inclusion of a password system. Maybe it’s just me getting older or getting used to saving whenever I want on modern games, but it made the game a lot more doable, because trust me, after sitting though some of these trippy bosses, you’ll need a break!

The main story is really out there, and I feel is a product of translating Japanese to English a bit too literally (MOIST), some classic copyright infringement and A LOT of drugs! Should you get this? Well, I managed to nab this for $20, and honestly I wouldn’t pay any more than that, and I think it was money well spent for 2 evenings of game play.

So I guess the point I’m trying to make is that this is a really fun game, but a TERRIBLE party! Why is it called Monster Party??? THERE IS NO PARTY!!! Why not call it “Monster Planet”, or “Monster Battle”, even “Monster Get-Together”? It’s like saying, “Have you seen that new party movie? Star Wars???” Great movie, terrible party! Millions of people die, Muppets are everywhere…you get the idea.

But you can never go wrong with surprise face melting!

Till next time, PARTY ON!

Adamus Prime Rating: 4 / 5

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Written by: Adam McNamara

Edited by: Jamie O’Connor

Total Recall (Quaid’s Quazy Day!)

Name: Total Recall

System: NES

Release Date: 1990 (?)

Status: DEFEATED!

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I can’t think of a movie that has spawned a great video game. They seem to have a difficult time capturing the fun and excitement from the big screen. Total Recall is no exception…though it is “fun” for other strange reasons…Since it’s based on the awesome film of the same name, you play as Arnold Schwarzenegger aka Douglas Quaid aka Carl Hauser aka Man in a Green Onesie…

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Much like the real Arnold, Quaid can walk and jump and punch and shoot once he gets a gun. Right away you notice that the hit detection is out of whack; taking a hit can cause no damage or it could cost you a whole bar of health. You can replenish this by picking up green soda cans that enemies drop, but these will either give you a full bar of health, or do nothing until you collect at least 3, it’s completely random! Just like Arnold!

The game very loosely touches on the main events of the movie, the first level being Quaid on the run after his “memories” are re-activated after visiting Total Recall. Quaid needs to get to his apartment which is conveniently at the top of a building with no stairs; forcing Quaid to walk all the way down the street and hop across roof tops in order to get to his front door. Though along the way you can pop into a movie theatre to watch the games credits. If you sit through all of them you get an extra life!

From there you experience levels based off of Quaid’s fight scene with his incredibly hot fake wife Sharon Stone, to a fun x-ray level where everyone is a skeleton to his escape through the subway. The cut scenes are poorly animated yet entertaining, my favourite being where Quaid needs to put a wet towel on his head and just having it instantly appear!

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“Oh my God! He’s actually doing it…what!? Oh, that’s no one Quaid…now stick this up your nose!”

From here, the game takes a big step away from the plot of the film. The scene where Arnold walks to a phone booth to pick up a brief case is replaced with a level of Quaid massacring a building full of homeless men.

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Homeless Odd-Job isn’t going to stand for that Quaid!

The Mars levels are just as confusing, mainly because there are absolutely no mutants, which was kind of prominent in the film in case you didn’t notice. What replaced the mutants? Australians with boomerangs and cats…

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Are the cats for the Biker Mice problem…?

The worst level by far is a driving level which I guess takes place in the “Red Light District” on Mars. How you can screw up something like that is beyond me, but the car either goes incredibly slow or insanely fast and backing up into anything equals instant death. Your adventure eventually leads to the climactic battle with your nemesis Vilos Cohaagen!

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Who is an incredible jumper!

Basically I just hugged the left side of the screen and shot him till he died, which isn’t the adrenalin filled finale of the film, but at least this strange game is over.

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Speaking of strange, when you inevitably lose a life, this lovely picture of Arnold pops up telling you to get ready to try again. But, wait, what’s that say on the bottom…?

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“I’ll Be Back”…that’s from The Terminator! Surely that’s just a coincidence…until you see the Game Over screen…

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“Your Game has been Terminated”!?! Why are there Terminator references in Total Recall??? I actually watched the movie again thinking that maybe I missed something and there were some fun Easter Eggs hidden throughout the film but, nope, that’s just the game developers really liking The Terminator.

The music consists of two songs, which are not present in the film and are very upbeat and catchy in a “What the hell am I listening too” kind of way. Also, when you get to a new screen, this weird “DodododoDOOO” sound plays…no clue what they were trying to do there…

Should you play this game? Sure it’s good for a laugh, but don’t play this if you are looking for a fun and challenging platformer. I honestly think they missed out on plot points that would have made for a great level, like one where you have to try to get the homing device out of Quaid’s nose, or having to fight the vacuum of the Mars environment to get to the Alien switch, or even a mini game to pick the mutant whose face looks most like a vagina!

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WINNER!!!

Prime Time Rating: 5/10

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